A Year Ago As If It Were Today

It's been one year since our sweet Emma went home to be with Jesus. Our Earthly wishes were always for her to come home with us, but it wasn't in His plan. Some say the pain gets easier with time. Yes, some days are harder than others, but some days it seems as bad as it did one year ago. I still rememer that whole evening as if it were today. Around 7:30 PM that evening, my friend and I had just eaten and were on our way back to my house to do pedicures. I called my mom on my drive home and asked how Emma was doing. "She's doing OK," mom said. Emma had been having some rough days, but mom's voice seemed normal. She was out shopping for material to make Emma some pretty trach collars. My friend and I got to my house and started our pedicures. My phone rang. I'll get it later. No big deal. I've talked to mom and everything is fine. But my phone rang again. After a moment's thought I decided I should see who called because no one ever calls me back to back like that. Both calls were from the NICU. My dear friend Katie who is a nurse there had left me a message to call the hospital ASAP. I called and they put me through to my mom who said to come now. That's all she said. It was 8:50 PM. I think I got dressed and to the hospital in 10 minutes. I remember going to the NICU and everyone was sitting outside of the doors. Normally this area was empty. I buzzed the nurses and they told me to come in. They didn't even ask me to scrub in. As soon as I walked in the door I saw the white curtain and I knew. She was gone. Yes, her tiny little body was there, but she was gone. I remember Nurse Hope hugging me with all of her might and then my mom and I embracing. You see, it was my mom's turn to be in Knoxville with the baby and my sister had gone home to be with Doodlebug. She was on her way. But we were all too late. Mom and I stood on each side of Emma until my sister got there. It seemed like forever, though I know it was only 15 minutes or so. What I heard next I hope I never hear again for as long as I live. The agonizing scream of my sister was the worst sound I have ever heard. So hopeless and full of grief. The nurses cleaned Emma and wrapped her in a blanket so Jessica could hold her one last time. I think she held her for the next 3 hours. I remember packing all of sweet Emma's things into my car. After we got all of her stuff loaded, I went downstairs and got Doodlebug. She was outside the hospital in a friend's car. I just held her. I didn't want to let her go. Her words to me were, "Did mommy have a heart attack?" Doodlebug was with Jessica when they called to tell her. Poor thing. She had no idea. I told her that her mommy was fine. She said "ok, she's upstairs with Emma." The next morning we told her that Emma had gone to live with Jesus. Being the sweet one that she is, her prayers from that point on were for Jesus to make sure and change Emma's diaper. I wish I could say that the rest of the weekend was a blur, but it wasn't. I remember everything that happened. I remember that my sister was kind enough to arrange Emma's funeral around a wedding I was in. I remember going to the wedding and playing the part of a bridesmaid while my mind and my heart were 50 miles away with my family. I remember getting up on Sunday morning and crying in front of my Sunday School class while thanking them for the prayers and support during Emma's life. I remember the line of friends and family who came out to support my sister. I remember the words the pastor spoke and the sweet voice singing Jesus Loves Me. I remember going to the burial the next day. The tiny white casket with the lovely purple roses on top. Emma is buried next to my Uncle Sandy who passed away 1 month to the day before she was born. He would have loved that little girl, as he loved her mother dearly. And they are together now.

I've never told anyone some of these details. And I know there are more. But for now, this is all. It's therapeutic to type it all out. It will also be therapeutic to be able to come back and read these words again.

Yes, it's been a year. But it is like it was today.

We Need Rain

Alabama, Kentucky & Tennessee are so dry that:
1. The Baptists have started sprinkling.
2. the Methodists are using a wet wash cloth.
3. the Presbyterians are giving rain checks and,
4. the Catholics are trying to turn wine back into water.

Wonderful Summertime

I love Summer. No, I don't enjoy the weather over 85 degrees. Nor do I enjoy the fact that my yard could pass for the Sahara. However, I do enjoy the food. There is nothing on Earth tastier than an all vegetable supper that came straight from the family garden. It's not quite like it used to be because I now have to cook it myself (mom gives me raw vegetables and I then have to cook them) nor do I have the variety (no okra, tomatoes, squash) but it is still the most delish thing I eat all year long. In the past week I have had green beans and corn off the cob. Awaiting me in my ever so lovely (yet overcrowded) refrigerator are a few ears of corn on the cob. Maybe I'll see if Bets wants me to bring them on Friday and we can eat them with her and savor a little piece of Summer in Memphis. Or maybe I'll leave them here and savor them all by myself. But truly, nothing is better so I feel I must share...

To Mom and Dad...thanks for the garden, thanks for the memories, and thank you God for Summertime (and blessing me with the aforementioned.) I LOVE YOU ALL!

My Car Has Been Revived

However it may still be grounded...no long trips for it anytime soon. Turns out the battery had died. Dead. Hasta la vista, battery. My car is now equipped with a Duralast battery which will hopefully last it for > 100,000 miles. Thanks to my dear Daddy-O who made the drive to Knox-vegas and changed it for me. We got it changed just before the skies opened up and a torential (but short) downpour started. So, the battery is new, the radio is finally working (the code in my paperwork was wrong...surprise surprise), and I am happy.

Oh, and as a side note, I have accepted a 1 month extension with my current employer. Gives me more time to look and enjoy the current "party" as AB would say. Plus I can decide next month if I want to stay until October 2. But that's the end of the road. It's been a long journey, full of wonderful people. The people definitely made the job worth it. I'll miss them all.

Bad Car, Really Bad Car

So, on Saturday I bragged about my lovely car making it to 100,000 miles with no major issues. Guess what!?!?!? Stinking car won't start now. Hoping it was the battery, my sweet friends Brian and Jessica drove over and tried to jump it for me. It didn't budge. So tomorrow morning I will be arising with the sun, calling the Honda place, then calling a towing company. Thankfully I have towing insurance. Now I'm just praying it won't cost an arm and a leg for the repairs. Maybe I should go vacuum it out though so at least it will be clean when it goes in for surgery...after all, everyone and everything should look their best before their insides are worked on. Or maybe I'll just let the cantankerous old cuss go into the shop looking like she does. Serves her right!

Tara, Please Call Your Friend

This morning I was getting ready and the phone rang. I answered. A young girl said, "Is Tara there?" I politely told her she had the wrong number. A few moments later the phone rang again. A different number showed up on caller ID so I answered. This time it was a woman who said, "Is Tara there?" I told her that she, too, had the wrong number. I go about my morning routine and I receive a call from yet a different number (actually it said "restricted" on my caller ID.) So I answered. Guess what? You got it. Tara still doesn't live here. I finish getting ready and as I am getting in my car, the phone rings with yet a different number on the caller ID. This time I don't answer. I am hoping that when it goes to voice mail and they hear my recorded message, "Hey this is Carrie and I can't get to the phone, yada, yada, yada..." they will realize they are not going to get Tara and stop calling. But no. They call back again. Since I am on my way to work and am getting tired of the game, I answer the 5th time. And the little girls says, "Is Tara there?" At this point I bit my tongue and told her that she still had the wrong number and to stop calling. Thankfully that ended it. I'm not sure if she thought that my continuing her quest to call me and ask for Tara that somehow Tara would appear, but alas it did not work. Maybe they thought that by calling from different numbers she would appear. Who knows. Had they called a 6th time (and quite possibly from a 5th number) I was going to take a message and tell her that I would give it to Tara the next time I see her. Since I know no Tara's I guess it wouldn't get delivered, but hopefully it would stop the calls. I assume they would start up again later, but at least it would have given me a slight break this morning.

So, Tara, if you are out there...please call your friend. She misses you.

100,000 Miles and A New Vacuum

Today my car hit 100,000 miles. It was a bitter-sweet moment. I am thankful that my car has made it this far with no real issues (praise God for foreign cars!) However, it saddens me to think I have spent that much time in my vehicle in less than 5 years. Granted, I have taken some great trips in that car, but it still seems insane I've driven that much. Oh well. Here's to the next 100,000 miles.

I finally bit the bullet this week and bought a Dyson vacuum. I admit, it was a LOT of money to spend, but so far I am very impressed. It is amazing the amount of dog hair it has picked up off my carpet which I know my old model would not have gotten. And the best part? It doesn't stink. My last vacuum emitted the worst smell when you vacuumed and I always thought the air smelled dusty when I was finished. Not now. So, while it is a lot of money I would recommend it if you are in the market for a new vacuum.